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How to Live With a Narcissist

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CONTENTS

Narcissism, also known as narcissistic personality disorder, is a well-known disorder that includes multiple problematic traits. These traits, such as a constant need for admiration, a sense of grandiosity, controlling behaviors, and a lack of empathy, can manifest in different ways, making life potentially tricky and toxic. Living with a narcissist can, therefore, be an emotionally draining and highly challenging experience. [1]

Living with someone with narcissistic tendencies, whether it is a family member, spouse, friend, or roommate, can have a profound impact on mental health and overall well-being. Their behavior can erode a person’s self-esteem, make them doubt their reality, and navigate complex situations while maintaining their mental health. Learning how to live with a narcissist can help such people protect their emotional and mental health while establishing boundaries and seeking support.

Living with a narcissist without compromising on mental health requires understanding the disorder and how it manifests every day. Remember that narcissism can exist on a spectrum, with some people displaying mild traits, with others meeting the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), an established mental health disorder.

Following are some key traits of narcissism to be familiar with: [2]

Grandiosity: Narcissists often believe that they are superior to others, displaying an inflated sense of self-importance. This grandiose behavior forces them to exaggerate their accomplishments and expect special treatment from others.
Lack of Empathy: The inability of a narcissist to empathize with others is one of the most difficult aspects of living with them. such people require constant admiration and praise and react negatively if they do not get what they expect.
Constant Need for Admiration: A narcissist has a fragile self-esteem that requires external validation. Hence, such people are on the lookout for constant admiration from others.
Entitlement: Narcissists consider themselves entitled to privileges and special treatment and can become frustrated and angry when others do not meet their expectations. [3]
Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists frequently rely on manipulation to control other people and get what they seek. Some manipulative behaviors they may adopt include guilt-tripping, lying, playing with the victim, and gaslighting.
Exploitation: Narcissists may not hesitate to take advantage of others to achieve their goals. Sometimes, they may exploit others without thinking through the consequences of their behaviors.

Living with a narcissist can profoundly affect mental and emotional health. The constant need to cater to their demands and bear their manipulative behavior can lead to anxiety, stress, and a sense of helplessness and powerlessness.

Following are some impacts of staying with a narcissist:

Emotional Exhaustion

Living with a narcissist can emotionally drain a person due to their constant need for validation and attention. Their manipulative tactics and unpredictable moods can make a person feel on the edge and depleted.

Poor Self-Esteem

A narcissist can undermine a person’s self-confidence through blame, criticism, and belittling comments. This behavior can erode self-esteem with time, making them question their worth.

Depression and Anxiety

The stress of staying with a narcissist can lead to depression and anxiety. The constant need to manage their behaviors while struggling with hopelessness and isolation can take a toll on their partner/spouse.

Isolation

Living with a narcissistic husband can be isolating as they may try to keep their partners away from family and friends. They intend to make their partners more dependent on them for support and validation. The consequent isolation can exacerbate the feelings of loneliness, making it harder to seek help.

Loss of Identity

A relationship involving a narcissist often has a power imbalance, making them dominant on their partners. Over time, the non-narcissistic partner may find themselves sacrificing their desires and needs to maintain peace, forcing them to lose their sense of self in the process.

Hypervigilance

Living with a narcissistic husband can make their partner hypervigilant. Such partners are always on guard, trying to anticipate their responses and avoiding conflicts. This chronic hypervigilance can exhaust them, leading to chronic stress.

Surviving a narcissistic husband or wife requires careful planning that combines strategies like boundary-setting, self-protection, and strategic communication. Mentioned below is a guide about how to survive being married to a narcissist:

Clear Boundary Setting

When it comes to dealing with a narcissist, setting clear boundaries is essential. Without these boundaries, a narcissist can take advantage of a person’s kindness and can easily manipulate them into meeting their needs. Boundary setting involves defining what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. This includes:

Be assertive: When setting boundaries, be clear, assertive, and direct. Let the narcissist know what behaviors are unacceptable and the consequences if they cross the boundaries.
Prioritize your needs: Remember that boundaries must protect your mental and emotional well-being. Prioritize your needs and do not sacrifice your happiness to cater to a narcissist’s needs.
Stay firm: A narcissist can test your boundaries by pushing you to relent. In such situations, stay firm and do not succumb to their manipulative tactics.

Limited Emotional Reactions

Narcissists thrive on other people’s emotional reactions. They may try to provoke others to elicit a response and use it to control or manipulate them. Avoid falling into this trap by carefully managing your emotional responses through the following tips:

Practice emotional detachment: Distance yourself from a narcissist and don’t take their actions personally. Acknowledge that their behavior only reflects their issues and does not signify your problems.
Stay calm: Try to remain composed and relaxed while dealing with a narcissist. Doing so will deprive them of the emotional fuel to be more controlling and manipulative.
Avoid arguments: Arguments with a narcissistic person are often futile as such people are very unlikely to understand your perspective or admit that they are at fault. Hence, consider calmly stating your position or even walking away instead of arguing.

Managing Expectations

One of the biggest challenges of living with a narcissist is managing expectations. Narcissists hardly change their behaviors; expecting anything from them can only lead to disappointment and frustration. Hence, consider the following tips to manage expectations healthily:

Set realistic goals: Avoid trying to change a narcissist and set realistic goals about navigating the relationship more healthily. This may involve limiting emotional involvement, setting boundaries, and seeking help.
Focus on things you can control: Instead of trying to change a narcissist, focus on what you can control: your actions and responses.
Accept reality: Acknowledging that a narcissist is unlikely to change and their behavior is a manifestation of their personality disorder can help you adjust your expectations to avoid disappointments.

Seeking External Support

Staying with a narcissist can be an isolating experience, and seeking support from external sources can help maintain emotional and mental well-being. Support from family, friends, or a therapist can provide encouragement and validation needed to cope with the challenges of living with a narcissist.

Talk to trusted family and friends: Share your experiences with trusted family members and friends to seek perspective and support. Talking about feelings can alleviate the emotional burden associated with the challenges of living with a narcissist.
Join a support group: A support group brings together different people facing similar issues. Connecting with other people living in narcissistic relationships can empower them to navigate their circumstances more healthily.
Consider therapy: Therapy is an invaluable resource for people living with a narcissist. A qualified therapist can help such people navigate the complexities of a relationship while addressing any emotional wounds.

Practicing Self-Care

Self-care is a must when it comes to how to live with a narcissist. Engaging in activities that promote mental, emotional, and physical well-being can help manage stress while boosting resilience. Keep the following tips in mind to maximize self-care:

Practice mindfulness: These practices, such as deep breathing and meditation, can help you stay centered and grounded when things are not going straight. Regular mindfulness can also reduce stress while improving emotional regulation.
Engage in regular physical activity: Exercise can be a powerful tool for managing stress and boosting mood. It also decreases anxiety while improving overall mood.
Prioritize relaxation and rest: Ensure you have enough time to rest, relax, and recharge. This may involve engaging in relaxation techniques, taking breaks from the narcissist, and enjoying some quiet time alone.
Work on hobbies: Engage in activities you enjoy to experience a sense of purpose and fulfillment. This activity can also help you combat the adverse effects of living with a narcissist.

Using Strategic Communication

Communicating effectively with a narcissist can be difficult as they often twist words and use them against you. Practice strategies for communication to get through such conversations more effectively. Consider the following tips in this context:

Use ‘I’ statements: Using these statements while communicating with a narcissist can decrease their likelihood of becoming defensive. Moreover, this approach also shifts the focus of a conversation to your experience.
Keep the conversations focused: A narcissist can try to derail conversation or shift blame. Avoid these tactics by keeping the conversations focused on the issue at hand and paying no attention to irrelevant topics.
Set time limits: If your conversations with a narcissist are becoming overly stressful and unproductive, set time limits to stop them from dragging on. For example, consider politely excusing yourself if a conversation is going on for long without any purpose.
Avoid using emotional language: It is very easy for a narcissist to use emotions against a person. Hence, try to communicate with them while maintaining a calm, neutral tone without relying on emotional language too much.

Preparing for Escalation

As soon as you set boundaries and adopt strategies to limit a narcissist’s control of your life, they will react negatively. [4] [5] Most narcissists are resistant to change, and any effort to limit them is likely to be met with manipulation, anger, and increased efforts to control the situation. Anticipate this escalation in advance and prepare your defense through the following tips:

Expect resistance: Be prepared for a narcissist to resist your efforts to be assertive or set boundaries. They may use manipulation, anger, and guilt to regain control.
Know your limits: Know your limits and understand when to remove yourself from a situation or seek help. Make your safety and well-being your top priority.
Have a plan: Develop a plan for responding to a possible escalation. The plan may include strategies like seeking support, temporarily distancing yourself, or even moving out or ending the relationship if things turn for the worse.

Living with a person with narcissistic personality disorder can be hard. Partners of such people must realize that there may come a time when they cannot continue their relationship or live safely with them. Learning about how to recognize such a point is imperative so that they can move away safely without jeopardizing their mental and physical health.

Some signs that it is time to move out of a relationship with a narcissistic partner include the following:

Your mental health is deteriorating

If your daily living situation has increased depression or anxiety, you must prioritize your mental health by moving out and seeking professional help.

The abuse has turned physical

In most relationships involving a narcissistic partner, the abuse is primarily emotional and verbal. However, it may shift to include a physical component. If you have been in a situation where someone has been physical with you, remove yourself from the problem immediately.

You are always walking on eggshells

Trying to avoid arguments with a narcissist can be exhausting. If you feel like you are constantly striving to avoid confrontation, it is likely that the relationship dynamic has already shifted to a point of no return.

Your boundaries are consistently being disrespected

If you have previously set clear boundaries and clearly communicated it to your narcissist partner, ensure that you follow them. If you see your partner ignoring or violating these boundaries, you may have no choice but to leave.

Living with a narcissist can be challenging, but managing the situation to protect your well-being is possible with the right strategies. Understanding narcissism, managing your emotional responses, setting clear boundaries, and seeking external support are crucial steps to managing living with someone with narcissistic tendencies. While changing a narcissist’s behavior may not be possible, you can take control of your actions and responses to create a more manageable environment.

By implementing the strategies mentioned above, it is possible to mitigate the impacts of narcissistic behaviors and create a life that prioritizes your health, happiness, and fulfillment. The journey can be difficult, but taking proactive steps and walking out to protect yourself can lead to a more empowered and balanced life.

[1] Grapsas S, Brummelman E, Back MD, Denissen JJ. The “why” and “how” of narcissism: A process model of narcissistic status pursuit. Perspectives on Psychological Science. 2020 Jan;15(1):150-72.

[2] O’Reilly CA, Hall N. Grandiose narcissists and decision making: Impulsive, overconfident, and skeptical of experts–but seldom in doubt. Personality and Individual Differences. 2021 Jan 1;168:110280.

[3] Levy KN. Subtypes, dimensions, levels, and mental states in narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Journal of clinical psychology. 2012 Aug;68(8):886-97.

[4] Krizan Z, Johar O. Narcissistic rage revisited. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2015 May;108(5):784.

[5] Blinkhorn V, Lyons M, Almond L. Drop the bad attitude! Narcissism predicts acceptance of violent behaviour. Personality and Individual Differences. 2016 Aug 1;98:157-61.

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